Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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