eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
