The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Randomize
