this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
