dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Floor bacon is actually really good
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
