Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize