I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
