I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I would fuck him just for his dog
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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