My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
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I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
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If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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