My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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