OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
