i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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