He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
