Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
