I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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