life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
