where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
