omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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