I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
