so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
