yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
