There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
