i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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