dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
