Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
