He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
