Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
