Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
