can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
