It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
