im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
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Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
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I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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