I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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