apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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