I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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