i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
