i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
