woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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