Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
