I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
