Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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