I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
