If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
