I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
