I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
