Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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