Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
