I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
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I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
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I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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