Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
