I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
