My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
