I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
