i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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