I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
smell my finger.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
