i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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