I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
