Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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