New invention idea: vibrating tampons
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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